It’s funny I am writing this one at the moment, but I need to hear it as bad as you so here goes honesty.
I’m struggling to lift my head or open my eyes I am sitting in the dark and listening to music that in the moment feels like my life. I can’t seem to get out of my head, I keep thinking about all I have done over the last 5 years and how many people the efforts of the SFW team have helped and yet I cannot be happy or content. I know I have done all I can and worked to make this program a success but I keep finding myself feeling depressed. I have all the things in my life that matter and I have all things I need, yet I can’t find my happy place. What am I missing? Why can I not find peace in my heart or my mind? Each morning I roll over and I see my beautiful wife who loves me unconditionally and every time I find myself struggling I can reach over grab her and hold her and she calms the storm if just for a moment. I am screaming inside asking for help but the words won’t come out. My mouth won’t open and say to her ” please babe throw the rope, I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t keep treading water, I am getting tired by the minute and I don’t see the shoreline. The man in me tells me that it’s not her problem and I should pick my head up and get back to the grind. But I can’t find the strength to do so. Julie on the day she looked me in my eyes before God and the judge and said YES is the day she said I am here no matter what and if you need me to carry you then I will, But I feel like a failure when she has to pick me up, I am the man I am supposed to be the strong one, the one who is there for everyone else, yet I can’t find the strength to do so. What is wrong with me and why do I feel like this?
To be honest with myself, I know why and I did this to myself. I should have been working on my mental health and yet I let my issues go in hopes that while helping others I would find the answers I was looking for. I believe that is where I fail Julie and my kids because as much as I want to be the savior, protector, servant and one who helps anyone in need and provider of my house I can’t do it alone! So what do I do to fix my problems? I have to go back to the drawing board and work the system like I would if it was someone else. I have to be honest with my wife and kids and let them know that I am here and that I am going to be here, I just need to fix what is blocking me from doing it.
So I will grab my better half and look her in the eye and ask her for her help, tell her I have too much on my plate and ask her to help me as I venture into this storm to fight this battle in my head one more time. This time I want to go in to the storm ready to fight, ready to work on my issues and I will set aside the outside world and those coming at me for help as I cannot help anyone if I can’t help myself. Asking for help from your friends and loved ones shouldn’t be a problem and if they really care then they will do what is necessary to help you through your storm. The issue is that men have a hard time asking for help our pride gets in the way and many times it leads to our demise. Don’t let this be your situation, stand up and fight for what you want and your happiness.
So my struggles are nothing like yours and I don’t want you to think that what I say here will fix your problems. What I want it to do is encourage you to look at your situation and see what you can do to improve your mental health and be honest with yourself!
I haven’t felt well last few days I have felt under the weather for a while now and I think it has caught up with me. I had a sinus infection this last week and was already struggling to stay in a positive mood. Stress and anxiety have a way of causing all types of health issues and it does a number on your physical health.
I have so much on my plate at the moment and was working on a project that has run into a road block or a few of them and I am currently trying to work it out but the unknown sucks… So SFW is fighting to pay bills and stay open and that has my stress level through the roof on top of my own personal struggles with life in general. Bills are coming in and money is tight right now. SFW has been doing great and everything was looking positive for 2021 with the PTSD/TBI program and the efforts using the Stellate Ganglion Block. We have set up a clinic here in Birmingham, Alabama and have been steadily taking veterans to get treatment. We have made some amazing things happen in 2020 against all odds and looked forward to 2021.
We came into 2021 positive and ready to make this program grow, in doing so the partnership with the VFW Post 2214 is no longer and they are doing great on their own. I am proud of that and I hope their efforts will encourage other programs to step up and do the same. I made is a goal for 2021 that we would take 240 veterans to get the procedure this year, but that was quickly dismantled by the way things turned out in our presidential election and I am not sure if we will make our goal or if we will even be able to continue.
Since the new president has been in office SFW has seen a huge decrease in donor support, probably not all the election outcome and I take ownership, I could have stopped working on other plans and programs and turned my efforts to raising money to continue except I decided that this added program to the PTSD/TBI program would help give even more assistance to the ones needing it so I proceeded to work on this project.
I have hit a few road blocks and things have been delayed so I allowed the situation to get into my head and I started doubting my efforts and beating myself up. What I should have done is get back to the basics and work on what was working at the time and allowed the situation to work it’s self out. This is where I find my failure and my misjudgments impact me personally. I feel like I give all I can to this and everything I do and I continue to get stepped on and or ran over. I mean even in the middle of this deal the CEO of this other program was taking my work and going out to my contacts trying to bypass me! WTH, every time I help another group or I work on helping a group get going SFW and I get absolutely nothing out of it! I don’t understand the way this works and why it keeps happening but I have always said I will help anyone trying to help even if it does not mean SFW nor I get anything from the work. Maybe one day I will stop this and maybe I won’t, in all honesty my goal has been to inspire others and groups to step up and do what I am doing because there is no way we can do this alone. It will take the whole community to fix this and that might be my place, the catalyst.
So what am I going to do?
Here is my resolution; I say I am going to take a few days to clear my head. I am going to set personal goals to get my mind right and I am going to concentrate on my family and me for the moment. I know this sounds basic but like I said I have to get back to the basics and start working on my life so that I can continue doing what I do. Small steps are still steps and progress and if I can keep telling myself this then I can make this a positive situation.
I got through the day now what? I got through the day and it’s time to wind down and get ready for the next day, my daughter says day night, day night dad we always have day and night, why can’t we just have always day? I don’t know about you all but I wouldn’t want a life with just days and no nights, I got to have sleep, my daughter is the energizer bunny so she doesn’t understand. God Blesses us with the opportunity to see another day and night and all things we worried about today will be here tomorrow and most the days this will be the case. They say 90% of the things we worry about won’t happen so we have to remember this and give our worries to God, I pray I get to see many more day nights with this beautiful family I have, I pray you get to as well. I am sure you do to.
If you struggle from Complex Post Traumatic Stress or if you struggle from anxiety or depression like I do, know that you will be ok and things will get better. I know these struggles seem to never end or it’s always something and I’m sure you have been told time and time again that it’s LIFE, yea it is and how we take on these daily task while working on our mental health matters. Most won’t understand and you cannot fault them for that just be happy they don’t.
I have been blessed to be a part of the program with Saving Forgotten Warriors called the Stellate Ganglion Block and I am also working on a program to help us on full recovery from the trauma. I have been using a micro-current device called Avazzia that is something I believe is going to help with PTSD. It can be used at home on a daily bases and with a functional therapy program like 22sero.org to work through the trauma that haunts us, we might just see a full recovery! I will be doing a blog solely on these programs this week so if you’re interested go ahead and sign up to get updates when I post a blog.
I hope this blog isn’t a drag and I hope someone finds inspiration to carry on from my words. I can’t promise that I can help but I will help where I can. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER!
Man's Daily Struggle 